My finals studying playlist is obscene.

Mostly this:


with the occasional Dolly:


This is my absolute favorite time of year. I love finals week at Columbia because I have nothing but time to sleep, exercise, eat carefully, and prove just how much my silly head can hold. The holiday lights are strung on Columbia's College Walk (116th St.) and everything looks beautiful and smells like the roasted nuts from the Nuts4Nuts cart parked off campus. All is perfect in the world in those moments before Christmas.

And Christmas is always a saga that I never want to get into. Please please December last forever.

I have never thought of myself as any kind of nationalist or serious patriot of any kind,

but I feel deep distress and turmoil when China behaves badly, which is often. It shouldn't really affect me, as I've lived in New York for 16 years now and am QUITE Americanized and I definitely embarrass my entire family with my poor grasp of my first language and my refusal to be more Chinese and right handed. I am good at America. I bake cookies. I have been to Vermont.

But when I think about why it kills me every time China glazes over child abductions and human rights abuses and lack of mental health care across the board, AND why I take tremendous pride in China taking the gold in Olympic events (and believe me, I do), it makes me feel like I've been keeping a big huge secret about myself that I'm barely comfortable thinking about, except when I need to rise up and defend a country that my whole family and I left, and where I only spent 5 years of my life. It's a real trip.

I never feel less Chinese than I've ever felt, or forget how closely my parents guarded my upbringing so that I would always take my shoes off when I got home, felt better with chopsticks in my hands than a fork, or measure how different an American person's house is than mine (you guys always have juice). But I never expected that I would feel so many things for a country that for me is more of an idea than a real place. Even when I think about religion, I am forgiving of the folksy nature of my mom's traditions and the altars she insists on keeping, while I outwardly object to religion in general. When I see a Buddhist temple I feel happy because they are peaceful and charming. When I walk past a church I feel nervous and my chest tightens up.

I don't know if I've ever shown you this, but I thought it might bring you some pleasure.

Sunday bun day

Baking with Apples!

I baked a cinnamon apple cake today, recipe via Nigella Lawson. It was DELICIOUS and apple-y and soft and spicy and warm and so autumnal and perfect for today.

Today's just that kind of day where all you want to do is sit on your bed and pluck out all of your hairs while eating vitamin C tablets.

Why do they make them so delicious if you're only supposed to eat ONE a day? She probably thinks she's reeeeal cute.

Some weekends I go to the Catskills and look at plants.



But most weekends I just go to Long Island and have raging staph infections whose treatment=
1. heavy antibiotics that tear apart my stomach and make me loopy and lethargic,
2. bathing in diluted bleach water 3x a week, and
3. washing every piece of fabric that touches my skin immediately after it touches my skin.
Add some triple-antibiotic ointment to the mix and you get an idea of where I am at.

I smell like a hospital, I hope I won't scar, my tummy is in a constant state of ache, and I have no quarters left (for laundry).

But I am really appreciating the smell of clean laundry. And I am really appreciating how delicious almond milk and nutritional yeast are in combination with other sweet and savory (resp.) foods. And I am really appreciating the fact that I don't have anyone in my life who takes up serious amounts of my time or attention, because I prefer to really focus all my love, energy, time, and affection on MYSELF.
I am young, it is alright.
RIGHT?