I feel so alive right now.

I have a crush on someone, and it's not intense, it's not fiery, but it's dazzling and mysterious and sunshine and easy and it's the perfect type of crush to suit my impatient, honest, and highly oblivious style of romance. Here's what it makes me think of.
When I was a girl, I had romance right on. Every time I made a new male friend at the playground, I would be his wife for the day. It was loving; we talked of the future; we acted as if we'd known each other all along, as if we'd be together for an endless time more, and as if this level of sweetness we'd attained had in fact been running there, deep and warm, for ages. And of course I was 5 or 6 or 7 so no numbers were exchanged (did you know I didn't even know what my address was until 3rd grade, when we had to learn it for a quiz? I've never been one for remembering numbers in the order they're supposed to go) and when we parted, it was usually for good. I also experienced this being-a-wife thing with every single one of my best friends' brothers at one point during our friendships.

It never lasted more than one day and, when that day was up, it was up. I was fully satisfied, I felt happy about what had taken place, and it never crossed my mind that I would see them again or that these feelings should extend (contractually) for longer than they were directly, vividly, and guiltlessly experienced. I never once felt sad or angry that these baby crushes ended, because it was just part of life.
You love a lot, you experience strange and wonderful happiness with the opposite sex, and you move on and get to do it again (with new, exciting husbands!).

This was me when I was three. This is still me at my finest. It's amazing and wonderful how we never really change.

I still behave this way sometimes, but those times are certainly more rare. I want to practice it more. This summer, with a man whose soul I find just mind-blowingly interesting, unique, brilliant, and attractive, I saved myself from getting hurt, getting jealous, getting insecure, and getting defensive (again) by repeating
"Don't think about the future.
Don't think about the past.
Just be here now."
and had a couple of real brilliant, life-affirming experiences as a result. I was the girl of my past, the girl of my dreams, and my one true self all at once, and it was perfect.
That's how this crush (my feelings, not necessarily the object of those feelings) makes me feel. And while I hope that the charming warmth that flowed between us wasn't one of these one-day affairs, I had a good enough time that, if it was, well, that's okay too.


-Camille