Oh no.
I just realized, I am not done being a child. I am not ready to be the one who tells bedtime stories and can instill creativity in others and who can identify all the birds on a spring stroll and who is ready to have all the attention, the affection, and the patience not constantly given to her.

I am not done being a child. But I am too old to go back. I haven't learned all about familial love and appreciation and nature and imagination and toadstools and cloud-shapes that I need in order to feel happy to progress onto the next stage.

This is not a happy minute over here.

I spent all of my life from ages 6-16 being serious, being studious, being shallow, and being quiet. Quiet brooding thoughts immediately stomped out the fires of any curiosity that may have arisen. I want that time back but, since I can't ever get it back, I need to carve out this time now. Sooner than later, sooner because the house that I am building, the future that I am building, is resting upon a hollow, temporary, weak foundation.

This story is what inspired this line of thought: Allegra Goodman: La Vita Nuova
At the end, where she mentioned "dragons teeth", I suddenly realized that I do not want to do that, because I know I am incapable of doing that. I can't be creative enough to instill such creative thinking in others. My turn to be the little, gullible, and endlessly imaginative child is over.
I need more Lane Smith and John Bauer illustrated dreams. I need more walks in the woods with my grandmother where she was teaching me, not us teaching each other. I need to do more listening and more platonic loving. Most of all, I need for it to be acknowledged that I do not know enough and I am not mature enough to have sex, cook for myself, or live alone. I am not.
I am an animal and I haven't yet received the tools I need in order to thrive: our society makes it easy for many people to fool themselves into they're believing they are at this point already, but I am not falling for it!

Do you ever get this way? It is the first time I've ever thought about it. I guess I am not very big on reflection.

-Camille