A year ago I was obsessed with this song.


It was at a time when I started discovering a home--my first true home--being created between myself and the man I loved.
And I've spent this entire year trying to get over the abrupt dissolving of that home and that love.

And I am so very grateful that I experienced that love, that comfort, that excitement, and that beautiful energy that every step in our lives should be filled with (but isn't necessarily).
And even though I want to heal more than anything else and want to heal completely and fast and feel whole again,

I am so happy that I know what love is and that I know what a "home" could feel like (at least in its beginnings)

because now I know what is not love and I know what is not comfort and I know what is not that kinetic, glowing, attractive, and effervescent energy

and I know that you can't fake or wish or force those things into existence.

And even though I often pretend I don't know that truth
and I pretend that I can force these things
or that these things can be forced by others
or, most of all and most shamefully of all, I pretend that I am not important or good or intelligent or kind or beautiful enough to deserve these feelings again

I do know the truth.

Everything might not work out in the end. But faking it until you make it isn't always the way to go.
And I need to stop being a coward, stop wasting time, stop breaking hearts, and stop having my heart bruised by my own inaction.
We're all going to die
and I will certainly die even sooner if I continue to be too afraid to make and break the bonds that would allow me to live again.


My grandfather's memorial service is on Friday.
and yesterday I made some notably delicious coconut rice pudding.

-Camille